So yes, I crashed myself

For the last 3 months I am going through a major life crash and I am learning a ton of new stuff about myself, my loved ones, my friends and life itself. You never discover yourself better than under pressure and completely out of your comfort zone, and I have to admit that the last 3 months were like a big shredding machine of my beliefs, opinions, truths, views... The pain was unbearable in some moments, but I felt the lightness of being in other moments as well. It was the difference between moments where the Ego kicked in and moments where I was able to detach from my situation and just observe it.

I am extremely grateful to all the tools and practice of yoga during the last 10 years, because they have given me the chance to survive those weeks without becoming completely crazy or depressed (well, there were some moments…).

One of the definitions of yoga is “the union of body and mind”. We all know that feeling when we are completely concentrated on what we are doing, fully present and completely in the NOW. Yet we know as well those moments when our body is here and our head is really somewhere else.

In a deep emotional stress, I experienced many times the “disunion”, when my body continued to live, walk, breath, work, talk in autopilot, but my mind was just spinning in the vain effort to understand what was actually happening. The second stage of the wandering mind was to try to figure out what would I do next and how I could organise myself for the next days or weeks and years. I was often in a reactive state and instead of taking a step backwards to consider my actions I was just blindly reacting to whatever was going on. Those are usually moments where we react in not very efficient patterns of behaviours and we pay for it: conflicts, regrets, guilt and shame feelings that we spend years to get rid of.

It is true that I did not eat and sleep correctly for 2 months. It is equally true that although I saw many so called friends disappear, I discovered the amazing strength of the women network: I was supported and helped by all my yoga students, mostly women of my age with their own part of hardship in their lives. As a “stress management expert” I observed how the emotions affect my ability to think clearly and how the stress affects my self-care and health. I also knew exactly what I should do and what I was not able to do. I had several “red flags” on the journey, a violent headache, hip pain, lower back pain, weight loss, anxiety and insomnia. But the biggest red flag was my meeting with a truck while driving.

What happened? How me, after driving thousands kilometres in Europe for the last year without any problem or incident, being able to be completely concentrated and focused for 15 hours thanks to my yoga practice, how did I arrive at the point to crash with a huge truck at only 15 kilometres from my father’s house 10 minutes after I left?

Because my body and my mind where in 2 very opposite places. In my mind I was thinking about my divorce; in my body I was driving my Toyota Rav on the highway. I “hugged” the truck from the side and I needed several metres and seconds to realise I was in a car crash and I should act; the “fight or flight or freeze” response was definitely frozen. Yes, I have another story to share during my Workshops and Team buildings but only because I survived. The car was damaged, for sure. Nobody was hurt, thanks God. It was entirely my responsibility and the lack of awareness that brought to this point. It was also a huge wake up call: stop. Not even slow down, just stop. To really get a clear vision of my life, I needed to take time off, get into the silence, lie down on my bed and sleep, sit on my yoga mat and breath, observe myself in silence, and in the silent space I created redefine what happiness, love, freedom, self-respect and fulfilment mean for me.

The clear lesson is that what really matters is NOW. Everything can change in minutes and the more we hold onto our comfort zone and our material and relationship security, the more we tend to be disappointed. Everything is impermanent and our attachment causes us to act from a needy and painful place of Ego. Yes, we need to learn from the past, but not to weigh down our present by the past stories we are telling ourselves in our head (they can be seen and lived differently by somebody else).

Yes, we need to plan the future, have a vision and be aware of our needs and goals. Yet we have to be ready to drop it anytime and be flexible in our way to adapt and accept the change. The reality IS and we cause huge pain to ourselves by adding many adjectives to describe and judge what the reality is to us and how it should or should not be.

Last, but not least, I’m truly living a moment of simplicity and lightness: in Paris, I lived for a month mostly with my luggage, and my car and dog. Now, being back without the car and without Luna (she is with my dad), I live with my yoga pants and a handbag. It is a very liberating experience to squeeze possessions and “all I need” in one handbag; it makes us realise that disputes for material things, possessions and craving for more is just another Ego trap. We can really live with less.

Several years ago my teacher said 2 funny sentences:

Simplify to simply fly.

Travel light.

Finally I not only understand it, I embody it in this very present moment.