Lasting Love and Relationship
I am writing this blog the day of our 21st wedding anniversary; I am in Prague, working and visiting my daughter, while my husband is in Paris, working and taking care of our kids and home. No romantic dinner and wild sex. Yet a lot of love and intimacy online. Thank you internet!
Looking back all those years, 3 kids and many different countries and adventures we lived together, I was reflecting on how we did it till here. The path was not only smooth and clear, there were bumps and even some accidents; the weather was not always sunny, but several storms and even a tsunami happened. Yet here we are, happily together with grown up kids, a passionate life and career each of us and a loving exciting relationship together.
So HOW?
First, I will address 2 myths:
Myth 1: They fall in love and lived happily ever after
This is the biggest nonsense coming from the goodnight stories and Disney movies since the early childhood. We are programmed from toddler age to this bullshit.
In intimate relationships, we are mirroring to each other the issues and programming from our unconscious mind. I consider my husband (and kids) my gurus. The triggers are always most powerful and painfully activated by those who are the closest to us. So no, they did NOT fall in love and lived happily ever after; they fall in love, then they raise themselves by love and pain, and hard work, every single day.
Myth 2: We are together just to be together
Another bullshit. If you want to be together just to be together, go to the train station and wait with other people for the next train. Happy and successful relationships, especially when they become family, are like a small enterprise: there are projects, goals, deadlines, obstacles, failures and wins. There are resources (or lack of them), structures, planning, action, team building, crisis management, outcomes. There are outside partners, alliances, support system and threats. So we need a LIFE PLAN together as a couple and as a family. As Antoine Saint-Exupery said:
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
Second, here are my tips for a lasting relationship:
1. Cultivate honest and respectful communication
Our partner DOESN’T have a crystal bowl. He/she cannot guess what we think, what we need, what we desire. So it is fully our responsibility to communicate those wants, needs and hurts clearly. When we don’t, we are actually not giving our partner the possibility to adapt or adjust his behaviour and we are lying by omission in the relationship. We disempower our partner from taking conscious and effective decisions about our life together and about his life. We are inducing the drama, conflict and frustration in our relationship. So learn and dare to communicate clearly, respectfully and with empathy.
2. Bring support and acceptance to the table
I still remember yelling at my husband years ago that he was not accepting me how I was. While doing this and being aware of my own screaming, I paused and asked myself if I was actually accepting my husband how he was, because all my actions were the living prove of NOT acceptance.
If you are seeing many flaws on your partner, if you are living your relationship like a battlefield and competition to prove yourself that you are right and your partner wrong, you are digging the grave of your marriage.
Bring support whenever you can. Be the cheerleader of your partner and your couple.
Apply WABI-SABI (the Japanese art of finding beauty in imperfection) and find the beauty in the cracks and scratches of your partner that you can fill with the gold of your compassion and acceptance. Next time you get irritated by the “imperfections” of your partner, whisper “wabi-sabi”, breathe and let go. Don’t forget to apply the “wabi-sabi” concept on yourself. We are often punishing our own flaws by projecting them on our partners.
Ask yourself: Would I marry me? If the answer is NO, then there is some change to be done. Remember that if you are not giving support and acceptance to your partner, he/she will eventually end up looking for it somewhere else. And he/she will probably not give it to you neither. So what do you really want?
3. Be what you want your relationship to be
Write down how do you want your relationship to be: harmonious, exciting, respectful, funny, sexy, adventurous, passionate…whatever is YOUR dream.
Then manifest those qualities in yourself and your relationship first. We reap what we sow, so watch what your sow and take care of your seeds to make them grow nicely. Because if you are grumpy, critical, tired and negative, you will probably not reap the love you are looking for. Be the change…
4. Fight Fair
Conflict is a healthy part of relationship and it has to happen. Now, the way you handle it is saying a lot about how your relationship will look in a few years. You need 20 positive actions to smooth the effect of one bad word. So fight but fight fair. Don’t go for Ad Hominem logical fallacy in your fights and focus on the outcome of the argument, not on putting your partner down. It is not about who is right, it is about how to make the boat sail safely.
Accept your own vulnerability and honour the vulnerability of your partner. Showing your soft side is not a weakness, it is actually a strength. Use the assertiveness and when you get overwhelmed by your emotions, once they pass go and explain calmly what happened to you, and try to find the reason-oriented solution.
5. Touch, hug and have sex
One hug per day keeps doctor away. Incorporate to your relationship gentle touch, hands holding, smiles and a lot of hugging. You can make it a ritual in the morning and evening, during the weekend. Hugging and touching releases oxytocin hormone in our body. It is the hormone of attachment and this is how you keep and strengthen the bond between you and your partner even during the crazy, stressful and busy times. Don’t go to sleep upset. Don’t wake up upset. It will just make the boat sink more. When feeling lost, remember why you said YES to living together in the first place. Remember the nice and loving moments. This is the same as in business: when the time is hard, you have to remember your WHY.
Sex is important in any given moment. Don’t fool yourself that it is not. So if the fatigue and busy schedule, and crying kids, and too much on your TO DO list hit the fan, add the sex to your TO DO list and make it a priority. The expectation of it will build the momentum and some daydreaming. Romance and hot sex are romantic and hot only when we make them.
True Love is all including and all embracing. The relationship is a lot about love, but not only. You can only love others as much as you love yourself, so to respect, accept and honour yourself first is a must. But it is the hardest part of Love, so in the meantime, garden the flowers of your marriage or loving relationship; the rose smells sweet even when nobody comes to smell it. Be the rose.
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